The sound of this heavy rain by dusk is what I love the most.
Indeed it's cold, but this reefer warms my body up.
I don't know what power of this contagius thing has bring.
But it helps me feel slightly better.
I exhale slowly.
The long and slow exhalation which makes the smoke packed together.
Then forms a perfect circle smoke.
Inside that circle smoke I see your face.
The exact same face I saw 8 years ago.
When you unintentionally looked at me with your captivating smile.
I shouldn't have let myself fall for you that time.
....
I briefly put back the cigarette between my lips, inhale it, and give it off within a second.
The next smoke crushes the shadow of your face.
It doesn't feel right.
How could I end up here?
Married to a man I don't love.
Tormented every second.
Never think about my own happiness.
Only to live people's idea of a perfect life.
Charming husband with a bright future ahead.
Biggest house in the district.
Expecting a second child.
What do I ask for more?
Love.
It's not there.
It was never between the two of us.
Or does he love me for real?
Well, honestly, I don't care.
I don't think I ever need his affection.
I only feel apathy for him.
But, you.
I don't mind if you pulled me to your gravity all over again.
Just please don't let me fall too hard like you did before.
I crave for your love when the night cuts into the day.
Long for your embrace when the anxiety comes to pick me up.
Hanker for your touch when the loneliness hits me.
Do you ever for a second think about me?
About us?
About our good times that you left behind?
...........
"Honey, I'm home!"
My delusion disrupted by his voice.
I stammered, throw my cigarette into the rain and shout,
"I'm coming, babe!"
I wipe a drop of tear on my cheek.
Take a deep breath.
Put a fake smile on my face.
Walk to him.
Hug him tightly, kiss his lips, and ask about his day.
Act like everything okay.
But, I miss you so much.
So, I promise myself to visit your grave by tomorrow morning.
© Nuary Maharani 2016
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