I Wish

I wish I could tell you how much I miss you

I wish I could tell you, Mom still serves you a drink every morning

I wish I could tell you, she visits your grave twice a week

I wish I could tell you, sometimes she unconsciously calls your name in her deep sleep

I wish I could tell you, every time I dream of you the more I wanted to see you

I wish I could tell you, every time I remember you my head hurt from holding back my tears

I wish I could apologize for all the times I had let you down,

tell you that I love you,

and let you know how proud I am to be your daughter

Dad, I will never be able to tell you all of those things,

but could you possibly see that from where you are now?

©NM20

Dear Self

Dear Self,

How are you doing?

I'm sorry if sometimes you still feel small,

and I also apologize if some things didn't turn out the way you wanted to be.

I know for the past few years life has been tough and who knows it might get worse.

But life is about ups and downs. One day you're in the state of being exuberant, the next day you could feel worthless and weak. This devil will constantly hold us from walking toward our goals, you know?

I hurt you a lot whenever the ache of desperation comes into my nights. I'm aware of the dreadful effect it brings, but I barely have control of it. I'm sorry I wasnt good enough to encourage or appreciate you. 

But despite our fears, dont you notice that we've changed? Yes, we have. We have improved. We used to be a nervous wreck but look at us now. Look at where we're standing. Far from home, chasing our dreams. There were plenty of times we thought we were not capable of doing some crazy shits, but mostly it went fine.

You've done more than enough and you deserve soooo much more. So hang in there while I'm working on it.

We survived hundred times, so I know we'll be ready to whatever coming. I mean, I'm pretty sure we have to. 

Dear Self, 

you're my core and I can't lose you.

So, please bear with me for no matter how long.

LOVE, 

from grown-up me to you, my little souls.

©NM20