I Wish

I wish I could tell you how much I miss you

I wish I could tell you, Mom still serves you a drink every morning

I wish I could tell you, she visits your grave twice a week

I wish I could tell you, sometimes she unconsciously calls your name in her deep sleep

I wish I could tell you, every time I dream of you the more I wanted to see you

I wish I could tell you, every time I remember you my head hurt from holding back my tears

I wish I could apologize for all the times I had let you down,

tell you that I love you,

and let you know how proud I am to be your daughter

Dad, I will never be able to tell you all of those things,

but could you possibly see that from where you are now?

©NM20

Dear Self

Dear Self,

How are you doing?

I'm sorry if sometimes you still feel small,

and I also apologize if some things didn't turn out the way you wanted to be.

I know for the past few years life has been tough and who knows it might get worse.

But life is about ups and downs. One day you're in the state of being exuberant, the next day you could feel worthless and weak. This devil will constantly hold us from walking toward our goals, you know?

I hurt you a lot whenever the ache of desperation comes into my nights. I'm aware of the dreadful effect it brings, but I barely have control of it. I'm sorry I wasnt good enough to encourage or appreciate you. 

But despite our fears, dont you notice that we've changed? Yes, we have. We have improved. We used to be a nervous wreck but look at us now. Look at where we're standing. Far from home, chasing our dreams. There were plenty of times we thought we were not capable of doing some crazy shits, but mostly it went fine.

You've done more than enough and you deserve soooo much more. So hang in there while I'm working on it.

We survived hundred times, so I know we'll be ready to whatever coming. I mean, I'm pretty sure we have to. 

Dear Self, 

you're my core and I can't lose you.

So, please bear with me for no matter how long.

LOVE, 

from grown-up me to you, my little souls.

©NM20

Been four years now.

I can't believe,
how the past 4 years went so fast,
and how I keep lingering on the thoughts of you since then.

I close my eyes for a moment,
and I could see your face crystal clear.

Even if things have changed,
in my mind you still stand on the same place,

wear the same amicable smile,
while gently caressing my lips.

you set the bar so high, you know?

no one adequate enough

to fill the void inside my soul.

how could you well it up effortlessly?

how could our little trade of mouths
take me back to my solid ground?

how could the way our naked bodies entwined
revitalized my broken bones?

it tortures me how no one could top that.

I open my eyes as I stare at the hotel ceiling,
wonder why 

with all the years that've passed by,

and all the places that I've been to,
it doesn't get any easier.

©NM20

Keruh

Ku kira kau tempat untuk berlabuh,

nyatanya kau yang membuatku tak kunjung sembuh,

bahkan bukan pilihanku untuk berpeluh,

apalagi zona favoritku adalah ketika kau jauh.

Jadi katakan sekali lagi, kau ini membawa damai atau gemuruh?

©NM20

Hard Truth

There is no greater anguish

than trying to keep going 

with a heavy heart like this,

and knowing the fact that 

the only one 

who could ease me

is nowhere to be found.

©NM20

Kamu Semesta-ku

Pernah bersama menapak, 

kemudian bergerak menikmati jarak

Sungguh tak ditakdirkan menyatu, 

tapi bumi dengan adanya kamu adalah semesta favoritku

©NM20

Why won't you let me go?

You

pull me back again,

just when I already see the light 

at the end of the tunnel.

©NM19